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8/30/2006 BIRTHDAYWow. I am 49 now .Half a century getting closer .It was my birthday yesterday and in a way i wasn't so enthusiastic about it so i even went to work.I never really celebrated birthdays so much in reality. What is so important about them?I am not saying i don't care at all either but i don't give it much importance.
At work i avoided to mention anything and it went well as nobody remembered or maybe they thought it was convenient not to.These last two or three years they had caught me out as i had mentioned the date to someone and he still remembered.Then you know how it is. They organised a collection and bought me a small present .I know it is not much but somehow i don't really appreciate these things so much.I prefer if they just said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" and that's it.I never was one for these stupid ceremonies.It's all forced as you have to join in otherwise the boss gets his back on them after when i get to know who did not contribute.lol.Even at christmas i don't understand why we have to do a collection to buy a present for the boss.Do we owe him anything?In this case he should be thanking the staff.I never agreed and i won't join in.On my part beeing the headwaiter i don't understand this thing that all through the year they give you hell to get some work done properly but then they fork money for a present.For me it is more important the respect you get from people in real life.Respect in the daily slog of life wherever that maybe ,work or otherwise.That's how it should be for me.Respect me and i will respect you back and leave all the frills out.That's me.
It was nice to have all the family phone or message.It is good to know that at least they tought of me for a moment once a year.
Anyway i had in my mind not to really celebrate except a bottle of wine a t home but when i came home i found my brother ,my brother was here and he brought a few pastries the like of which he knows i like so we had a small party .I suggested we go somewhere for a drink for a short while as it was already 10 o'clock so we made it down to the square to Cauchi's for a couple of beers and my brother and the kids had something to eat as well.We had quite a good time and time soon flew and the restaurant staff started to close the place when we left .Suppose they weren't too happy about it eh.So that was my birthday over.I am already a day older and most probably we are going to the beach later as it is a very nice day. 8/26/2006 Mela hejDan l-ahhar qieghed nisma it-tifel igerger ma wiehed min shabu ghax dalwaqt terga tibda l-iskola.Fuq kollox din se tkun l-ahhar sena tieghu il-lyceum .Mur gibu kien jghix fi zmieni eh meta biex immure l-iskola kont irrid nimxi kwazi zewg mili kull filghodu u lura wara nofs inhar .Ix-xih dak iz-zmien kellu karozza “AUSTIN” min tal-militar kella xi ghoxrin sena kolla cekcik u tghidx kemm taqbez billi anke tista’ tobsor dak iz-zmien it-toroq kif kienu specjalment barra mir-rahal.Anqas naqra qatran ma kien fiha it-trieq. Kienet ghadha kolla tat-trab.Kif tghaddi karozza ma tibqgha tara xejn.Missieri ma tantx kien jiehu pjacir jigi iwassalni biex ma jitlifx xoghol.Kien jigi biss meta tkun niezla xita dilluvju ghax ma kienx jista jghamel mod iehor.
Meta bdejt immur il-primarja had-dingli billi ahna konna noqghodu is-simblija kont nimxi qisu mil sal –barriera ta’paroli u hemm kont niltaqa mal ftit tfal li kien hemm dawk l-inhawi.Kienet tigi private u twassalna sa had-dingli izda mhux l-ewwel darba li konna nimxuha ghax ma tigix ,tista tghid zewg mili ohra. Niftakar dak iz-zmien sakemm tigi il-private kulhadd kien igib l-izbandoli li konna nghamlu min xi zokk ta sigra forma ta’Y u lastku min xi tyre tar-rota li konna inqattghu strixxi, biex noqghodu nisparaw ghal xi wizgha jew xahmet l-art specjalment meta kienet tkun naqra is-shana ghax kien hemm hafna minnhom hemm dak iz-zmien.Gieli anke xi wahda l-iskola konna niehdu biex niccajtaw ta tfal li konna.Darba wiehed kien qabad bejta zunzan go kaxxa tas-sulfarini u x’hin bdiet l-iskola telaqhom fil-klassi u it-teacher li kienet mara tghidx kemm ghajjtet u telqet il-barra u marret iggib lis surmast l-ewwelnett biex inehhihom ghax kienet tibza u wara tghidx x’hasla taghna u bilfors ried ikun jaf min gabhom u meta qallu kien qalgha tlett t’ijiem vaganza bla hsieb u xi xebgha ohra min ghand missieru aktarx ukoll..L-iskola kienet aktar serja u it-teachers kienu jghamlu min kollox biex jaraw li it-tfal itellghuhom tajjeb mhux bhal lum li fejn il-bicca kbira minnhom ma jinteresshom xejn mit-tfal.
Dak iz-zmien is-sitwazzjoni ma tantx kienet tajba ghax xoghol ma tantx kien hawn u hafna min nies ta had-dingli kienu jew jahdmu id-drydocks jew inkella fil-bini jew inkella bdiewa .Xoghol ta tbatija u li ma jhallix wisq flus u niftakar xi tfal li kienu jigu l-iskola biz-zarbun f’idejhom biex ma jqattawhx.Mur ghidilhom lit-tfal tal-lum eh.Meta kont nitlob lil mama xi zewg xelini ghal xi haga ruhha kienet tohrog maghhom u mitt elf mistoqsija biex tara fejn se nonfoqhom .Issa kont tmur il-hanut u bi tlett soldi kien jimlielek il but bil-helu.
Hafna drabi konna immorru l-iskola xi siegha qabel minhabba li ma tantx kien hawn transport.Biex nghaddu il-hin konna nispiccaw nilghabu xi loghoba futbol quddiem l-iskola .Niftakar li darba hija tajritu karozza ghax mar jigri ghal ballum u qasam bl-addocc .Kienet gietu tajba ghax ma gralu xejn imma qatt ma qal lil missieri ghax kien jibza li jtih xi daqqtejn hu ukoll.Dejjem bil-problemi ghax daqqa konna inkissru xi hgiega jew nolqtu lil xi hadd.Mhux l-ewwel darba li kienu imorru igibu il-pulizija biex iwaqqfuna.Haga ohra li niftakar kienet li nghamlu xi karru bil ball races li konna niddubbaw jew nisirqu min ghand xi mekkanik u noqghodu insuquhom man nizla li kien hemm hdejn l-iskola jew inkella xi cirku kbir tal-hadid u konna nghamlu qisu furketta tal fildiferru u noqghodu nimbuttawh mat-triq.Kien zmien iehor.
Meta wara ghaddejt ghas-sekondarja kienu bghatuni in-naxxar l-iskola ta fuq u ghal ewwel ma tantx kont hadt gost nghid il-verita taf int ghax kienet naqra il boghod u anke kien spiccajt ma hafna tfal li qatt ma kont rajt b’ghajnejja u anke il-kbar ma tantx kienu helwin ,anke meta konna nghaqqdu xi partita futbol kienu jigu itellfuna jew jiehdulna il-ballun u mitt haga ohra.Insomma wara bdejt nidra u ma bqajtx nghamel nervi ta kelb filghodu qabel immur .Kont nimxi sa had-dingli issa ghax ma kienx hemm transport u kienet tigi private li wara kienet tghabbi it-tfal mir-rabat ukoll.Kien hemm zewg privates u billi kienu jinzlu flimkien hafna drabi kienu jispiccaw isuqu biex jaslu l-ewwel l-iskola u ahna ta boloh li konna kulhadd jghajjat u iwerzaq biex ingieghlu is-sewwieq isuq izjed ha nghadduhom!!!!!!!!!!Insomma dak iz-zmien ma tantx kien hawn traffik.Mur ghamel hekk illum. Kieku nahseb mhux hawn nikteb qieghed bhalissa.Ha nghidlek mhux l-ewwel darba li kellna nimxu min-naxxar sa had-dingli ghax kien hemm xi strajk jew ghax ma tigix il-private.Mur ghid lit-tifel tieghi jimxi min hemm . Mela inqas sal-knisja ma jkun irid imur.
Mur gib it-tfal tal-lum jghixu bhal dak iz-zmien.Il-hajja kienet iebsa avolja jien nghid li konna iktar kuntenti mil-lum anke jekk ma kellna xejn .Ghall-iskola illum jigu ghalihom quddiem il-bieb u igibuhom lura ukoll.Illum kollha ghandhom kemm alla halaq programmi fuq it-tv ,kompjuters u video games u mitt haga ohra u mhux kuntenti u igergru il-hin kollu.Ahna inqas konna nafu bihom il-kompjuters dak iz-zmien.Vera ghandhom biex igergru eh. 8/24/2006 No emotionsAfter my dad’s funeral we all went down to visit my mum and while we were all there chatting away though not in the best of moods my sister said. “You see. What dad never managed to do in life he managed when he died? This is the first time in my life that I remember having a meeting of all the family at home.” Sadly this was the real truth but something most of them never did anything to change either. This has been something which really hurts me inside. This started a long time before because when I was a kid I never saw any show of affection at home. Mum and Dad never kissed or hugged each other nor us for whatever reason it was. I am not saying there was no love. There was a strong kind of love and they did anything to make sure we were ok but it was always an internal kind of love and showing this was considered superficial. I never remember us celebrating birthdays or other occasions more than just giving a quick “AWGURI”. Even presents were rare and too far in between. We had everything that was essential for life but no frills at all. Could be that the lack of money was one of the reasons but they had a way of not showing their emotions. Maybe it was a different era plus the result of a hard upbringing .They lived through the war times when life took a different shape. You really had to struggle and a lot of times had to risk your life to make ends meet. I believe this had hardened them quite a bit as well. Later on in life when we grew up and started to drift more apart as some got married and moved away .I was the first to go away even before I got married as I used to work in Mellieha and being young and hating farm work I used to find every excuse imaginable not to go home very often. Sometimes I was away from home for a month only going to hand in my clothes for washing. At the time I was starting to learn to live on my own after living in a very sheltered home. All at once I found freedom and a different kind of world around me, and I tried to make most of it .Suppose I just went over the top sometimes, I realize now, but it felt good and exiting at the time .Then when I got married I went to live in Mellieha so putting all them miles between me and Dingli made me see them less and less. For the first couple of years marriage you know turns your life upside down. It was the big change in my life. Learning to live with a new person and doing a lot of new things together and then having the kids with all that it entails didn’t leave much time to go and see my parents any more. So the gap grew wider at the time even with the rest of the family. Time goes by and I started realizing that maybe I should go and see them a bit more often than I did,though at the time I started getting some resentment from my wife as she did not seem to enjoy going there so much. I don’t know what she expected, but what could I do then. They were my parents and she had to accept them the way they were even when she did not agree with their ideas. Any way I was lucky then as we moved house to mosta then and it was easier to go to and visit with the distance getting shorter. For some time I tried to get a relationship going with the rest of my brothers and sisters and I made a strong effort but to no avail as it seems they all wanted to stay at arms length sort of. Most probably as I said before it was all ingrained from before and it is very difficult to change. Quite a few times I tried to get them to go to the beach together or somewhere else but I get a lot of resistance. Normally if I ever get invited I run to the occasion, but there is no enthusiasm on their side so these days I nearly gave up, tell you the truth. When I meet these families at the seaside or wherever all having fun together it really gets me. I keep asking why we can’t do the same sometime. Why can’t we get together as a family sometimes and do something together. This is one of my biggest regrets in life. It does hurt. 8/23/2006 what nextA new question keeps popping up in my head these last few months. Can I love someone again after all that I have been through and is it the right thing to do? Is this something normal or am I fussing over stupid query trying to build a wall behind which to hide? All my life I feel that I had a strong belief in religion; the funny thing is that I went through a few phases most probably like a lot of other people of the same age. When I went through my teens and twenties I had this crisis where I lost all my interest and sort of I didn’t care any more .It was a quite long period which lasted into my thirties when I got married .Being married to a foreign girl with no beliefs at all didn’t help at all. A lot of times she used to criticize some aspects of my inside belief which I used to find quite offensive when she normally professed she had no belief of her own. I never interfered with what she believed or not but inside me I used to feel I was still the same believer I was before but I didn’t go to church though I still used to pray when I went through some of lifes bad patches. Then all at once I changed my ways. My roots came back to the surface with a bang in a way. I started feeling that I needed to be more active about what I believed, when my son was born and I asked her to get married in church and she accepted without much fuss. So we got married and had my son baptized on the same day in the same ceremony. There I made a break with the past .Since then I have tried to practice my religion a bit more actively and used to pray more which I feel gave me an inner sense of peace, something which was missing before deep inside. After my marriage broke down after 16 years religion gave me the strength to continue without losing the way. In a way it became stronger and made me stronger as it turned into a point of reference when I started to question a lot of other things .I felt that a lot of what I used to think was real in the past, all at once came tumbling down. Everything was like a sandcastle in the rain. It disintegrated all at once and for me it was a very hard blow as I strongly believed that marriage was for good and I was sure I was trying to make my utmost to make it last where I was concerned. I t never came to my mind then that she was dismantling it all from the other side. So now back to the first question. Is it possible for me to love again? Most probably it is going to be very hard as I have built a hard shell around me now. The experience has burnt a deep groove inside me in the way I trust people around me. The one person in my life that I really trusted with all I was ,has let me down really bad.It was worse for me in a way as I never trusted anyone that much. Then comes the next part. My belief. I strongly believe that marriage ought to be forever as god intended it to be. Now is it ok for me to go against this? Will I ever feel at peace with myself if I had to find a partner to continue my life with or this will get in the way? Shall I just disregard this ? Ignoring one’s principles is a very difficult thing to do. Lately I have given this a lot of thought but no answer so far. What is the right thing to do? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? 8/20/2006 The futureSometimes i wish i could tell the future. I wish i could see what life will send this way. If i am going to get rich and retire soon .Maybe i will inherit a few million from some rich sod in America like you see in the films.I am always hoping that i could just stop working as of tomorrow. wow.I would throw a huge party i swear for all the employees at my place of work.Sod the boss with all the money he has and he is tight as an asshole after all ,always looking around him just in case someone is trying to fiddle the cash or cheat him of a few liras.
I tell you,i miss having a few more bobs to throw around on my days off. All i want is to be able to spend them not just to have them lying in the bank accumulating dust . I would enjoy that for once i can go to the supermarket and whatever i want without worrying that i am going to empty my bank account.I dream of going to one of the auto showrooms and get a brand new car one that is not run of the mill.One that a lot of people turn around to have a good look at. It has been ages since i used to think about going for a cruise around the med someday.I would love to be on one of the cruise liners that come into the harbour almost everyday.Maybe on the Love Boat.wow. Will this be part of my life in the time soon to come or is it only dreaming?
Isn't life very cruel? Why some people have it all and don't even think about it and strangly enought they have never done anything to deserve it.Why haven't I been born filthy rich after all.I think i do deserve this a lot more then some of the ones who have it.I have worked my ass off all my life doing all kind of tough and thankless jobs.
Will this be my future or what? Most probably it will be more of the same as now .Money makes money they say eh and i haven't got any...................................Who knows maybe lady luck will close an eye........... 8/10/2006 TorturaKieku taf kemm ma nahmilx immur ghand id-dentist jien. Nitwerwer jien meta jibda jisserra.Imma x'tghamel eh illum kelli immur ghax kelli darsa u kull darba li nigdem fuqa bdejt nara l'istilel.Mort naqra kmieni nghid il-verita ghidt forsi idahhalni naqra qabel imma mort zmerc ghax il-klijenta ta qabli tghidx kemm damet u ghamilt xi tlett kwarti inhares lejn il-fann qadim li kien hemm fil-kamra,idur min naha ghal ohra sakemm stordieni.Tista tahseb x'nervi ghamilt .
Fl-ahhar dhalt u kif dahhal id-drill f'halqi u ghafas ftit mamma mia bdejt nara kollox idur bil-weggha li tatni.Allahares kellu subajh f'halqi dak il-hin ghax ma kienx isibhom ha nghidlek.Qalli ahjar intik injection biss ma nafx x'gara ghax din ma bdietx tahdem .Iktar ma nibza jien aktar beda jghafas dak qisu ghal ta l-apposta u jien kul darba nghalaq halqi.Ruhi harget .X'tortura harxa. Hassejtni sejjer lura ghal zmien l-inkwizizzjoni .Biex tghaxxaqa hu qisu beda jiehu gost eh ghax qalli ahjar ma hadmitx l-injection ghax hekk qalli bdejt turini meta kelli nieqaf.Sadizmu dentali eh.
Taf x'hin bdiet tghamel effett l-injection . X'hin mort id-dar bdejt inhossa u ghamilt xi tlett sieghat wara inhoss halqi qisu mghawweg fuq naha.lol.Qabel tlaqt qalli isma tinsiex iccempel halli innaddafomlhok naqra .Mela............................. ghada!!!!!!!! 8/2/2006 momentsWhat a hell of a confusion i have inside my head these days.Seems all wires have shorted out .One moment i am feeling ok then i don't know what happens and the mood changes very quickly. Sometimes i hear people speak about depression .Is this what it feels like ?Most probably the death of my dad has unbalanced the workings of my mind somehow.Losing someone so dear is making me think that life is an ungrateful experience. I used to have these thoughts sometimes in the past ,but it seems the stream of events has made these feelings stronger.Why is it that the more i think i am doing things for the better the more problems seem to crop up along the way. When i get over one a bigger one seems to find it's way in my life somehow.Seems like a dark tunnel with a small light at the end of it and everytime i get closer to it the tunnel gets longer and the light smaller. Does it matter if i am around or not.What difference do i make ?.Is this what life is all about or it's me who is doing it all wrong?I am very irritable these days and i keep loosing my patience very quickly for the stupidest of things.I keep going over everything in my mind trying to find some sense but to no avail.As soon as i am at home quitely alone these thoughts start racing inside my head.I have stopped going for walks and my reading as well.I seem not able to find time anymore and when i do i seem to loose the will to do it. It all seems so much effort at the moment. I try to do something but when i come to it that's it i don't feel like doing it .The feeling il like "Why the hell do i bother." Well today i have made up my mind that i am going for a swim later and will be doing my utmost to go.Normally there is nothing better to relax my mind then being by the sea.I really enjoy it so keep your fingers crossed. |
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